Author Feature: Lara Parker
Lara Parker is a writer, editor, and the author of Vagina Problems: Endometriosis, Painful Sex, and Other Taboo Topics. She began writing in college around the time of her diagnosis with endometriosis and “hasn't stopped writing about her vagina since.”
Lara's first book, Vagina Problems…, is a truthful and raw memoir of her experience with endometriosis from diagnosis to dating without sex, work-life balance, and more.
With unflinching honesty, Lara Parker, the Deputy Director for BuzzFeed, shares her day-to-day challenges of living, working, and loving with chronic pain caused by endometriosis in this raw, darkly humorous, and hopeful memoir. I wasn't ready to be completely honest about my vagina yet, and the world wasn't ready for that either. But I was getting there. I wanted the world to know that all of this pain I had been feeling, that it was related to my vagina. Thus, Vagina Problems was born. It was a cutesy name. It was my way of taking this pain and saying, "Whatever. I'm here. I have it. It sucks. Let's talk about it."
FEMINIST caught up with the author, Lara Parker, to learn more about her book and her journey creating it in our interview below. ⬇️
Q: What is your personal mantra?
LP: What is your personal mantra? — I Am Enough *or when I say it to myself; You Are Enough"*
Q: What audience do you hope to reach? Why do you think your intended audience needs to hear your message?
LP: I mean, honestly, I'd love to reach anyone who has ever felt like they didn't fit into society's ideal, whether sexually, physically, emotionally, etc. However, I create content solely for people who live with pelvic pain. They are the audience I prioritize the most because that community includes me. It's easier for me to draw from my personal experiences, and it's not a community that is often catered to in mainstream media.
I don't want anyone to feel forced to hear my message. I want them to hear it because they are ready to listen or because they find something they need within it. Not everyone will share my exact experiences. Obviously, I am a thin white woman who mostly identifies as hetero. So my experiences won't line up perfectly with every single person. However, I think the overarching message of a community who has been told that their pain (physical and emotional) doesn't matter is something that I care a lot about trying to reverse. In a time when sexual education and conversations about pleasure, intimacy, etc., are under attack more than ever, it's important for those of us with platforms who are able to do so to share what we can to help others realize that they are not alone.
Q: What do you hope readers walk away with?
LP: As cliché as it may sound, my one hope is that readers can walk away feeling less alone. There is a certain isolation that comes with living with this type of pain, in my experience. It's incredibly vulnerable, it's regarded as taboo to talk about, and many people live with this and face it completely alone. One of the things I needed most during my early journey with pelvic pain and endometriosis was to know that I was not alone in my experience. It altered everything. So that is my hope, above all else, initially.
Q: What was the most difficult part for you to write?
LP: I think that anytime you discuss something that is so intimate to the core of your being, it can be difficult to find the right words to express it publicly. I had to get over a certain level of shame and embarrassment that I had carried with me around these conditions for so long. I went from not wanting anyone in my life to know what I was experiencing because of shame and embarrassment, to publishing it in a way that would be possible for anyone in my life to find out about. It was both empowering and terrifying. And I think there is something to be said for being prepared that not everyone will relate to your story or appreciate it. Because when it's a personal story, or a memoir-like journey, it can feel incredibly personal if someone doesn't connect with it in the way you had hoped. But I like the idea that there is no such thing as "bad books." Every book was published for someone, and hopefully, it will find that audience. There are just books that aren't for you, and mine will be that for some people.
Q: What inspires you to continue speaking about ‘taboo topics’?
LP: Both the feedback I received from others and a sort of "exposure therapy" process for myself help me feel less alone when I know that others share my thoughts and feelings around certain things. It's also important for me to "practice what I preach" and take my own advice about how I discuss myself and my abilities. I would never let someone else describe themselves as a person "who can't have sex," so I no longer do that to myself. Being able to declare this publicly has been beneficial for me personally. It's like some sort of proof that knowing I am worth everything and still lovable is possible, and that I can always get back to that belief.
Q: Why do you think it is essential to amplify the voices and the experiences of those with chronic illnesses as opposed to traditional medical experts?
LP: We are all one degree away from being a person who lives with a chronic illness. It is not rare or uncommon to live with something like what I live with. There are millions of people around the world who do not fit into Western medicine's idea of "health," and they are left behind in conversations in favor of medical practitioners who have no idea what it's like to navigate a system that cannot or will not help them. The only way to truly change the way chronic illnesses are treated is to change the conversation. For years, we have centered doctors or so-called medical experts in conversations around health and wellness, and that has only led us down a path of disbelief when it comes to a patient's lived experiences. You can read every single medical study known to mankind and still not understand how to treat a patient or help them if you are unable to listen to them or prioritize their experience.
Q: Your journey with endometriosis has been touching to many. What advice would you give others who are scared to speak out about chronic pain?
LP: I think the advice I would give is that it is your story to tell in whatever way you want to tell it, whenever you want to tell it. I don't think people should feel pressure to speak out about their pain in an effort to "prove" that they live with something like this. I fell into this trap many times, where I would feel like I had to bare my soul in an effort to prove to people that they should care about what was happening to me and others like me. But people don't deserve your trauma unless you feel ready and willing to divulge it. And ultimately, the people who are going to care would care regardless. Your pain is valid whether or not you choose to share it with the world. There is power and community in sharing, but it's not the only way.
Q: Which part of the book was the most eye-opening for you to write about?
LP: The entire book was eye-opening for me because it forced me to confront things that I had avoided thinking about for so long. But I found being able to openly discuss how society talks about and views sex, intimacy, and pleasure particularly enlightening.
Q: What challenges did you face when publishing your book? How did you overcome them?
LP: Like any first-time author, I had to convince publishers that my story — and the story of people like me — was worth telling. I didn't want to attach a doctor to my book because in my experience doctors are not always helpful, and can set a certain tone and experience. I wanted my book to serve as a friendly voice to people who needed it. Not medical advice. And that was something I had to fight for.
Q: Can you describe how Vagina Problems touches on intersectionality?
LP: Something I try to be cognizant of in all of my content creation around living with Vagina Problems is the fact that I am a thin, white woman who has had disposable income and health insurance which comes with an ability to see doctors that others are not capable of seeing. The fact of the matter is that my experience is seemingly the BEST that this experience can be for someone, and it is still very bad. I want readers to understand that theme in everything that I do. I think it's really important to be honest about the fact that getting proper medical care for endometriosis or pelvic pain in general is not accessible to the majority of the people living with these conditions. That as bad as it may seem for me at times, it is so, so much worse for others, and they are as much a part of this conversation as I am, if not MORE.
Q: What does being an intersectional feminist mean to you?
LP: Truthfully, the idea that “none of us are free until we all are free” is something I try to center in everything that I do. I don't want things to just get better for me, I want it to get better for ALL OF US, and that requires centering intersectionality at the center of one's mind in order to constantly learn and do better.
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