Author Feature: Allison Raskin

About the author of “Overthinking About You”

Allison Raskin is a New York Times bestselling author, actress, director and co-creator of the YouTube comedy channel and podcast Just Between Us, which she shares with her comedy partner, Gaby Dunn. Gaby and Allison’s I Hate Everyone But You was the first debut novel published under Wednesday Books’ inaugural list, an imprint of St. Martin’s Press. It quickly became a bestseller and was optioned at Netflix. The sequel, Please Send Help... was published on July 16, 2019,and quickly earned a position on The 20 Best LGBTQ Books of 2019 by Harper’s Bazaar.

Lately, Allison has become a figure in the mental health community in part due to her very successful Instagram account @emotionalsupportlady which has most recently launched as a Substack by the same name. Allison grew up in Scarsdale, New York, and holds a BFA in screenwriting from USC. She is currently getting an MA in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University to supplement her work in the mental health space.

Featuring lessons learned from Raskin’s own love life and interviews with top health experts, Raskin’s nonfiction debut, Overthinking About You: Navigating Romantic Relationships When You Have Anxiety, OCD, and/or Depression, explores the complex intersection of romance and mental health. Raskin seamlessly weaves her own mental health and dating journey with a wealth of advice from clinical psychologists, a psychiatrist, a sexologist, relationship experts, and real-life couples. The result? A useful, laugh-out-loud blend of memoir and self-help that gives readers tangible tips on navigating dating and romance while supporting their own mental health.

What is your personal mantra?

I can handle it. Learning to believe this about myself has been a huge gamechanger and really helps me in moments of anxiety and worry. I put a lot of trust in my future self, which allows me to relax in the present.

Do you think there’s a current stigma around mental health issues in relationships?

Absolutely! While society is doing a much better job of talking about mental health in a broad way, the specifics of how mental illness and mental struggles show up in our daily lives isn’t explored that often. As a result, people 1) feel a lot of shame and 2) don’t know how to navigate it when it does come up. Plus, there is this sense in online dating that your options are endless so why stick around if someone isn’t “perfect.” I think this outlook prevents a lot of great relationships from having the opportunity to flourish while also making people afraid to share their true selves.

Which part of the book was most eye-opening for you to write?

I had never written about my complicated relationship to sex before and I think finally putting pen to paper and having to work through it all on the page made me realize a lot of things about myself and also helped released me from my own self-stigma. (Or at least partially release me! I’m still very much a work in progress in that area of my life!) It was also personally helpful to interview a sexologist about it all, even if I was deeply uncomfortable the entire time.

What are some of the other issues “Overthinking About You” addresses?

The book does deep dives into how to handle breakups better, how to date productively and how to know if medication might be the right choice for you while also providing some tips for navigating side effects. It also covers a lot regarding healthy communication and what you need to know about yourself and your brain before engaging in a partnership.

What advice would you give to someone who wants to write a book about a topic that hasn’t been addressed before?

Write the book that you wish you could have read. Because whatever lack of resources  or information you’ve been missing is revealing of what everyone else has been craving too.

How do you use your power to empower your community?

I try to talk openly and honestly about my own mental health so that other people feel more comfortable doing the same. So many of us feel alone in our struggles but the more we share with each other the more we can see that a lot of these experiences and difficulties are far more common than we are led to believe. And talking about them openly can help break the power they have over us. I also try to help connect people with resources and information that they might not have had access to before. I do my best to turn “expert” or “clinical” advice into something more palatable and applicable to everyday life by giving real world examples and details.

How can someone start a line of open communication in a relationship where there hasn’t been one before?

This is so tough and scary to do. But I think being direct about your intentions is the way to go. Frame it as something you want to do because you care about the relationship instead of something you’re only doing because you are unhappy with this other person. Acknowledging both to yourself and to your partner or loved one that this is going to be uncomfortable at first can also be helpful. It’s also okay if it’s bumpy at first. You can’t expect to change a relationship dynamic overnight or for people to suddenly become comfortable being vulnerable if they don’t have a lot of experience flexing that muscle.

What are some of the ways anxiety and obsessive thoughts can be hurtful to a relationship?

Oh, let me count the ways! For starters, it can be truly exhausting for the person living with those thoughts. It can cause them to constantly question if they are in the “right” relationship and, more broadly, it can interfere with their ability to be present in the moment and connect with their partner. It can also be difficult for the partner who might interpret their loved one’s anxiety as a reflection of how they feel about the relationship. That’s why it is so important to be able to fill your partner in on what’s going on with you and sometimes directly state, “Hey, I’m having an anxious day. But I promise it has nothing to do with you or our relationship.” This helps your partner not take it personally and lets them know that maybe you need a little extra support.

You’ve said that in a relationship with a partner, you have to ultimately be your own primary helper—does being a feminist impact your view on relationships, breakups, and mental health?

I think a lot of times rigid views around gender roles does us a disservice in these areas. It can often prevent men from feeling comfortable getting help and it can contribute to women feeling as though they are a “crazy” girl stereotype instead of a full person with a complicated history and needs that are maybe not being met. It might also cause people to fall into certain roles in relationships that aren’t what they would naturally prefer but are what they have come to expect due to societal messaging. Ultimately though, unless we are in really bad shape and in need of more extensive help like inpatient treatment, our mental health is our own responsibility. We can’t look to other people to “fix” us or “save” us. We have to step in and care for ourselves (once again with the caveat that not everyone is always in a place where they have the capacity to do this).  

What does being a feminist mean to you?

To me, being a feminist is having the unwavering belief that all human life holds equal value. And that it is our job to fight for a world that accurately reflects that instead of accepting the current status quo, which is rigged, by design, against equality and equity.

Twitter: @allisonraskin, Instagram: @allisonraskin, @emotionalsupportlady